500 words on grief

I have been suffering recently, grief is gripping my heart. Brief short period of ill health, leaving me without that one last anchor. Both my parents have now died, I wanted at least one for couple more years. Nobody wants to lose somebody they love deeply. No sugar coating I not taken this news well. Dark thoughts have been rushing around my mind. Don’t want to admit this but been hearing voices in my head sometimes. Mental health was already weak, mild depression with anxiety. Covid not been very useful but things looked better like they could improve. Making small plans which could be completed without much trouble.

One afternoon that all shattered into pieces, for once my anxiety was right. I spent days blaming myself for something outside of my control. Blamed myself for being slow not taking action sooner, failing to see the warning signs. Heart attacks are difficult to see, guilt flooded my mind, trapped by anxiety too.

Back of my mind I feared the worse, however I remained hopeful a recovery could happen. Odds did not look good but chances was still high enough. Something weird happened I dreamed the death was happening. Sending me on emotional roller coaster, gut feeling was expect the worse. That dream happened after seeing some figure standing near us. I closed my eyes saw the outline of the figure standing near the end of the bed. Male figure some sort of spirit, staying near for hours. No clue who it was, but I could feel love pouring into the room.

After that I was scared worse was coming, that moment gave me just enough strength. Last time I saw something similar was my mother passing away. This time it was my Dad turn, nothing I could do about it. Losing both parents is something I never wanted, both gone way before they should have gone.

For one week after his death, I would wake up at exact time for days. Something was following me and watching me, could not shake it. Brief moments I could hear my Dad, feel him watching me. Each passing day feeling got weaker and weaker. I knew he did not want to go not yet. His final words made that clear, last moments it was obvious.

Watching the peaceful dead body is odd, experience you never forget. Life and soul draining from somebody you love, memoires and heart remain with everybody else.

Writing this down is releasing a great amount of pressure. I always found it difficult or impossible to talk about my emotions. Nobody is perfect I won’t lie and say my Dad was. However he was my Dad and I loved him.

I want to thank all the health care workers who helped during this difficult time. Not just for looking after my Dad but the family during this awful time. Each one being honest angels who tried their best. The work you do under funded, under staffed and everything else. Thank you